PurpleCrap: No Peak, No Plot, No Meaning

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Different Ways of Wanking II (Also a GIP)

One foine Friday, May 19,]-[ of clan Mauvecloud wrote:

As I predicted, my ~~genius~~ hair-splitting, wankery reply written last midnight to the supervisors got me their express approval of the manuscript this morning. So after three excruciating hours of proofreading, I am again done.

However! The uploading itself does not explain my good mood, which began right after a dream about an heir in the refrigerator (not the freezer, why?) I felt like Ximen Qing when he said to one of his [forgotten] concubines: "I felt so indescribly happy I am going to attack you from behind." So the thing to do when one feels good is to be - anal.

So to be anal, and also to provide an (post-)excuse for this euphoria, I googled my PowerWord: IRL Name (I don't indulge in that much, honest! Maybe only, like, 100 to 200 times a month) and was delighted to find that the counts have increased by 66.6% since the last masturbation session! Of course, the actual number is not really that high when divided by my age. When I was 25, I planned to have at least half of the number of hits garnered by the keyword "Yuri" (an indubitable proof of the popularity of yuri and spoon-bending over yaoi). I guess I am lucky because I don't have to worry about du-, tri-, and n-plicate hits (i.e., false positives), 'coz my mother had the foresight to give me a unique romanized rendition for my name, maybe to compensate for the number of strokes in my (personal) name (being an obscure kanji, it was never, ever simplified).

Oh. Maybe I should just foist the blame on Q's Chinese proverbs and Larc h GTP. The weather (19 Celcius max today before plunging to 14 Celcius max/2 Celcius min for the weekend) also helps.

On the other news, someone informed me that another someone else has beaten me to writing a song about Cao Cao. Unfortunately the first someone neglected to send me the said song.

But I am digressing, as usual. With real work out of the way, I can now fully indulge in my ROTK wankery. So, Unreal People (who should know better after the previous post), don't go behind the LJ-cut, okay?

Guan Yu's seduction from Imperial Uncle Liu by Cao Cao

The second of the Peach Garden ~~triad, uh, I mean,~~ trio, Guan Yu is commonly depicted (in opera) with red face and long-flowing beard. From his behaviour which I will describe later, it is clear what the beard was never meant to do. The historical Guan Yu was in fact two years older than Liu Bei, but the fictionalized character in the novel was assigned as the second brother. Personally, I like Guan Yu because his is the only instance that I know of (since I am not culturally aware and I disdain you, whoever you are, anyway) where the same deity is worshipped by both sides of the law. His altar is a common feature in Hong Kong cop shows and triad movies. Two sides of a coin, eh?

The set-up:
Liu Bei, who had just been pwned by Cao Cao in Xiaopei, fled to the protection of Yuan Shao, the superstar warlord at the moment. Guan Yu who had been left guarding the hamlet of Xiapi, where Liu Bei's ~~harem~~ family were situated, was persuaded to surrender to Cao Cao.

Extracts from the negotiation:
Guan Yu: No! I die. Fighting. Rather than submit to that usurper!
Zhang Liao (negotiator from Cao Cao): What about the Peach Garden ~~Orgy~~ Oath? You three had sworn to die on the same day. If you fight to the end against the Imperial Troops, that would be going against the oath, wouldn't it? And there's Liu Bei's family to consider. Rather surrender, and wait for the opportunity to re-unite with your brother.
Guan Yu: OK. I will surrender under 3 conditions:
-------------- 1) The surrender is to the Han (Dynasty) and not to Cao Cao personally.
-------------- 2) The ladies are to be provided for amply, and not harrassed in any way.
-------------- 3) I shall leave the instant I receive news regarding Liu Bei's whereabouts.

So Zhang Liao the sub-lackey trundled along to bring the news to his lord. One can only imagine the Lulz experienced by Cao Cao on hearing the conditions. "Since I am a minister of the Han (read: I sit not on the dragon throne itself, but on the Emperor. Ha ha ha.), submitting to me also means submitting to the Han. What hair-splitting wankery is this! As for #2, who is desperate enough to mess with that sandal-maker's ladyboys? But I am worried about #3."

The sub-lackey assured Cao Cao that there was no (intelligent) soul kind treatment could never buy. And so Cao Cao relented, and after the formal surrender Guan Yu and the retinue followed the Imperial Minister to the capital (Xuchang?).

Stopping at an inn along the way, despite what he himself had said about Condition #2, Cao Cao reserved one room for Guan Yu and both Lady Mi and Lady Gan. This episode is probably one of the most celebrated pieces on Guan Yu's chivalry, and one which never ceases to turn my mind on three matters.

1) the gullibility of the unwashed masses, or rather, Peking Opera audience (hopefully, just my imagination);
2) the sexuality of the Second Brother;
3) some ladies do not like threesomes, even when the third person is a guy.

Chivalry or closeted warrior, I take off my hat to (the fictional) Guan Yu on one matter. The candle he was holding in his hand while sitting guard outside the room must have really sizzled. A man who could squeeze for dear life on a burning candle, that is really something. I would like to hire him to proofread my (academic) writings.

At the capital, Cao Cao wasted no time in showering our hero with gifts (silk, brocade, and the likes), serving girls and gold. All were sent to the inner chamber. The first thing Guan Yu did when they arrived at the assigned accomodation was to separate the dwelling into the outer and inner divisions. Every other day he had an audience with the ladies (separated by bamboo curtain because the sight of the ladies often made Guan Yu wept, for he felt his sworn brother Liu Bei's misfortunes as keenly as if they were his own) where only the most correct exchange went on.

One day, Cao Cao, having perceived the lack of gratitude from his guest regarding the matter of the gifts, decided to try one more time. He gave Guan Yu the Red Hare (not an enery drink). Whereupon Guan Yu bowed enthusiastically several times at the Minister. Cao Cao was disgruntled. "I have given you many things: silk, gold, girls, and you clearly were not impressed. But why does this gift of a horse please you so much?"

"This horse is capable of going 500 miles per day. With it, as soon as I know the whereabouts of my brother, I'll be able to seek him swiftly."

Cao Cao grumbled to himself and began to repent of his gift (so says the translation I have, and I like it enough to plagiarize it).

Good times don't last, and good-byes are hard. Excusing himself, Cao Cao deliberately refused audience for several days when the time came, thus denying Guan Yu the opportunity of taking leave. It would be interesting to observe the answer to this: Had the IntarWeb been in existence in those days, would Guan Yu dump Cao Cao through AIM? (Note the interesting sample image. It could have been written by or for me, but I swear, I didn't do it!)

However, good men are not to be delayed, even by proprieties, so in the end Guan Yu left a ~~Dear John~~ thank-you letter, all gifts (even the maids) and the seal of the duchy awarded to him by Cao Cao. So in the end, the only thing he ever got from Cao Cao was the horse. Hmm.

Also, despite the cool exterior and steely determination not to behave like a 16-year-old, Cao Cao (deliberately?) committed a bluff. Although he did make the effort to catch up with Guan Yu and even had time to make a good-bye present of a robe to the hero (accepted with thanks on and with a sword-point), he neglected to give Guan Yu the visa for all the military passes and cities our hero would have to ride through along the way. This led to some interesting encounters, which in turn led to the early retirement of several pass commanders. The manner of the retirement saved the state a couple of tonnes of rice, so I guess even a 16-year-old behaviour from such a genius poet-strategist-politician such as Cao Cao is calculated to bring some pecuniary benefit.

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Finally and most importantly, have a nice day!

// mauve signed off @ 4:22 PM

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